My life is really good. Especially considering where I was four years ago. I realized this tonight quite suddenly while driving home from a friend I've known since high school's house. Same friend, same road home, same car, totally new me. In my three going on four years at college I have gained respect for myself. That might sound weird I mean that I've learned about myself, how to make myself happy and the things that matter most to me. I can't say I've learned how to like myself but I'm definitely working on that.
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I've realized now what I want to do is be with the man I love and who truly accepts me for who I am and adores my flaws right down to my fucked-up ripped off toenails. I want to be with him. I want to see the world with him. Being kindred to me I know he wants to travel too and this life could happen. Finding the perfect career isn't a necessity and I need to stop worrying about my degree. Work isn't life. What's that cheesy saying? "Life is what happens while you're making other plans" Well, I'm beginning to see the amazing depth in such a standard line.
I'm leaving for Africa in three days to be with him. Now that I am in love I look back to the relationship that broke my heart in high school. How silly I was, how young and stupid. How unfair of the boy (I don't know if I should write man or boy) 5 years older than me to break such a fragile heart. The feeling I have now are so overpowering and at the same time I'm reassured. He's thousands of miles away but I trust him.
I don't know why but tonight feels like summer in the best way. It feels like the laziness and carelessness of past summers but I'm so much more in control of myself and don't need any validation.
Why can't all nights be like this?
I am a worrier. All I do is worry. I feel like everything in my life is contingent upon decisions I make now...and I'm making the wrong ones. I have to remind myself the good things in my life now I wouldn't have if I had done things in my past differently. If I had gone to a different school I wouldn't of taken the road trip with K and began my relationship with D. Then I wouldn't be madly in love and going to Africa to see him. So what if I'm hesistant about my degree? There's grad school. But then I think, what about him? If we're still together how can I go off to Vermont or Arizona to get a degree? Sure we've done distance but doesn't that novelty wear off at a certain point? Or does love truly conquer all?
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10 days. In 10 days he leaves for 6 months. I find myself crying as I run on the treadmill, unable to deal with this burden. The man I love and day-dream about marriage and children with is going to another country for 6 months. 6 whole months. I am panicking. Picking fights about nothing, drinking red wine and crying over the telephone. We have been together for almost 8 months. I love him and trust him, I just worry about the distance. He might not even have a phone and even if he does, he tends to forget it places and not call regularly. Even now when a day passes and we don't talk I feel hurt. I will be going to Australia in two months having the time of my life. I can barely think about it. All I can think is...how tacky is faking a pregancy? No, that's a joke. I know it will be okay. If this is truly love then we will be okay. I just wonder how long it will take before I sit here and don't feel as though something's missing, until I don't physically feel like he should be here.
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11 days from now I imagine myself in sweats, watching television with my mom, and drinking tea. I will be working 10 hours a day 4 days a week so hopefully that will preoccupy me and keep me from feeling so lonely.
I can make myself cry without even thinking...
I woke up around 10ish after long strange dreams about travelling to Boston which wasn't actually Boston but a foreign country. I wasn't visiting either of my two friends that live there but other people that happened to know my friends.
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I got out of bed and came downstairs for some Special K and some reading on the back deck. I stepped outside in my 6-year old soccer shorts with the seam that I restitched with bright white string and a tank top on. It was cold out. That was weird. Summer time in Virginia is usually so hot and muggy the heat seems to grab you and hold you in a smoothering embrace.
I digress. I haven't had any coffee but I'm awake. Also weird. My estranged best friend starts talking to me online. Weird.
Then I read a comment about New Zealand weather being similar to Scotland and I'm taken back a year were at this time I'd be preparing for my trip to the Highlands. I laughed at the course description "Spiritual Pilgrimage in the Highlands," but soon found days of hiking alone force you into some dark corners of your own mind...
Anyway. I'm in such a good mood. I'm going to build a tiger cage with my boyfriend.
reasons why i love him
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-he bought me roses
-he brought me my toothbrush in bed so i could stay naked
-he likes when i whine and gives into me
-cooks me eggs every morning
-cooked me pancakes while i slept and brought them to me in bed
Last week I went to beach week with 16 of my nearest and dearest friends (take that as a pun or as a factual statement, truth is I'm not sure which it is). The boyfriend and I for the first time in the 6 and a half months we have been dating annoyed one another. Some days it seemed everything he did just drove me crazy. I think we work better alone. Now I'm home and attempting to get everything together for Australia, start working at the bookstore, still hoping for an internship, etc etc. It hasn't really struck me that it's summer yet everything is moving too quickly. I need days sitting at home on my porch lazily devouring novel after novel...
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As for now, he's coming over and we're watching "Crash" for my film class. I'm the only person in the world who hates that movie...
My mom mailed me a letter today apologizing for not being able to help me in high school. High school was rough, full of every drug you can name, and seemed to never end. Clearly it has had a great impact on my college life. In her letter she wrote how proud she was of me, for going to Australia, for being able to move and make new friends and knowing what I want. Funny I don't feel good about any of those things.
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I think I'm leaving early next week to see the boyfriend. I'm aware I won't get too spend much more time with my roommates...but that's a chapter of my life that's ending. Him and I...hopefully it's something that will last...dare I say forever? Well, a long time anyway. He will be leaving for six months in June and until then I want to spend as much time as I humanly can with him. I'm so scared. Yes I will be having the time of my life in Australia...but this is a man I love. Someone I could see myself marrying, having children, growing old with. I'm terrified I'll get drunk and make-out with some cute Aussie surfer.
Today was the end of exam week and lots of people are going home. I'm homesick. I miss him and my family. I know my roommates (particularly one of them) will be a bit put-off if I don't spend all next week here...but I miss him. It hurts how much I miss him. It's also unusual in that it's a situation where I could see him, school is over and I haven't started work, so not seeing him makes it worse. There's no reason to not see him...besides the fact I should spend time with my two roommates who have been my best friends for two years.
I don't want to attempt to rationalize, I feel like I should just follow my heart and go be with him.
Nearing the end of my third year of college, in the midst of exam/Hell week, I can't seem to accept the fact that this is happening, this is my life. My roommate has this great quote in her profile, "Dont feel guilty if you dont know what you want to do with your life... the most interesting people I know didnt know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still dont."
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I wish I could believe it, but I'm just constantly worrying..why am I here? Why am I getting this degree? I mean I'm studying what interests me, I made my own major. But will that get me where I want to be? I feel like everything I do has a huge impact on my future and I'm terrified I'm making the wrong decisions.
I am in love. That throws a curve-ball into everything. I didn't predict this to happen so soon in my life, it was more of a young professional/grad school kind of thing. I also didn't expect him to go to school 5 hours away. When you're an introvert like me and you have a long distance boyfriend, your school and the social context have nothing to offer you. That being said, my two roommates who have become my family here, the reasons I that stayed here are graduating. Next year, first semester I will be abroad. I keep fearing what my last semester will be like.
My head's always in the clouds, not in the light flurry carefree sense. In the constantly contemplating my future and worrying each step I take is in the wrong direction, kind of way.
I need to find an internship for this summer. I need direction. I always thought being free-spirited and uncertain was romanitic and appealing but it doesn't go so well with me.
I think mostly the fact my roommates and two other best friends at college are graduating is terrifying me. I feel like everyone I know is leaving...it makes me want to leave to...
Well, it's been awhile. My life has become a fantastic blur. I can't keep up. It's mostly good. 5 months with the boy in two weeks, our relationship is damn near perfect. My school work is another story. Research methods is a pain because the professor doesn't teach and I feel at a total loss. Organic is killer because Chemistry is pure Hell to begin with. Environmental Policy is a pain because it's a self-study class therefore I have to do it on my own and the text is oh-so-dry and terrible to read. Admist all this I need to turn in my application for Australia and get my major re-approved. Simultaneously for some unknown reason my social life has has an unprecedented boost and my weekends are constantly full of parties and friends. Weird.
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We just came back from Spring Break which I spent in pajamas drinking tea watching Sex and the City and then each was spent with Him in my basement on the cracked pleather couch.
6 more weeks of classes...this semester can't end quickly enough. I only hope I survive the enormous amounts of work.
Then amazing beach week, then an unfortunate summer class...then He leaves for Africa and I leave for Australia. I'm worried. Although, I always imagined my adult life...me travelling, doing work/research, my husband meeting up with me, us travelling together, separate...but lots of travel indeed.
As usual my head remains in the future and not concentrated on the Organic exam I have next week
Life is terrific right now. In fact, so terrific I'm depressed thining about how I will react when it's not so terrific.
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This was the best winter break ever. I worked a decent amount, spent a lot of time with my boyfriend (D), and my new group of friends. Over break D and I....went ice-skating, went to a party where I met his relatives/heard embarassing stories, went on some beautiful hikes in Blacksburg and Roanoke, went to my apartment for a few days, watched countless movies.
Last night I had people over to drink. D slept in my bed with me. The last time we'd be able to share a bed for awhile. I told him how strange it was to be in a reciporical relationship, he agreed. He said before he was only going through the motions and that, this...this was different. I told him I want to visit him in South Africa next year. Hopefully he'll come to Australia. I still want us to be together. We woke up at 6 A.M. because I had to be at work at 7 A.M. he cooked eggs while I made coffee. It felt so natural.
I'm not looking forward to going back to school. I can't imagine not seeing him daily. I'm collecting mementos of him: sweaters and blankets to have with me at school.
Tommorow, we're going to the Smithsonian. It's our last day together as he is going on vacation and then coming back after I've already left for school. His bday is coming up I hope I can arrange to see him.
Sigh. I'm smitten.
Thursday D and I are going to my apartment at school. Possibly for the last time ever.
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I sort of have an ethical dilmena.
I'm taking a semester off from school. I'm trying to find a subleaser. Should I tell my parents I can't find a subleaser and stay there (and have them pay rent, for the most part)? Or should I really attempt to find one and move back home?
Living at home would be expense-free. However, I adore my roommates and they keep me sane.
I have two potential leasers coming to look at the apartment on Saturday.
I'm really kind of freaked out. I'm giving up studying abroad in Australia for this. I'll be a Freshman (hopefully) the year I was suppose to graduate. However...I also feel like this is right. It feels right. I've been getting a lot of "what if's" and assorted questions from people, esp. people at CNU. Luckily, the roomies true to form are being totally understanding...
I keep looking around my bedroom at home. Can I really live here again??
I need someone to make this huge life altering decision for me. I gues the semester off will be good for me. Australia or another school with a better major?
|Mood:|| cold is not a mood|
On Wednesday Brigid and I are driving to Tech for the night. We'll stay at D's. The next morning we're driving to Boone, NC to visit Appalachian State. Then sometime on Thurs we're driving back to Tech, picking up D, driving back to Northern VA to drop her off, and then D and I are going to my apartment in Newport News for the weekend.
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It's going to be madness. I'm totally psyched.
Oh, I think I'm taking next semester off. I've always debated transferring and suddenly the other night I decided, yeah I'm going to do it and started trying to find people to sublease my place in Newport News. The plan is to sublease that apartment, move home (ugh) and work, then possibly transfer to Appalachian in the summer or fall. We'll see. I haven't even visited yet.
It would be pretty scary to start all over again but its lame for me to stay at a school I don't like and doesn't offer a major that appeals to me. That's taking the easy way out. I've always prided myself on being a risk taker, so let's so how this one goes...
Even if it doesn't work out at least I'll get to see some sweet mountains and take some photos.
Being in love, lust, like whatever you want to call it makes life so much better. I haven't felt this optimistic in forever. It's intoxicating.
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I have one more final, tommorow morning. Conservation. I hope to do well on it because I don't feel like I did too great on my Int'l & Compartive Politics and my Intro Chem ones. They're over though, I need to move on. I got a B+ in Environmental Ethics, wish I could of have got an A but I messed up my first post. C'est la vie.
After my final I'm working some extra hours at the bookstore. Friday I'm working my usual 10-3, I might stay a bit longer. The roomies and I are doing fondue that night. Not sure what my exact plans are for the weekend. Probably just packing and drinking, nothing major. I'll be heading home on Sunday, I have a doctor's appointment on Monday (getting back on birth control). D comes back on Thurs and then on Fri we're heading back to my apartment at school for the weekend :) I can't wait.
I made him tie-dye sheets for Christmas. I was talking to him about how my friends and I were planning on doing it and I was going to do sheets and he commented how cool that was. The sheets came out great and I really don't want to give them up. I'm going to write a little note, something like "Now we can sleep together every night," isn't that sickeningly sweet? Oh, I'm head over heels...it's so foreign to me.
My friend is on her way over to hang out. Then someone from my class is coming to borrow notes. I have a bit of a headche which I need to kick before I go to the gym. The rest of my night will be spent pouring over my Conservation text.
I recently found some amazing grad programs at American University. Future, how you tease me...
It's the last week of classes. Next week I have three finals then I'm home.
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I can't wait to be at home. Him and I have been together officially for a month now. Talking to him is always my favorite part of the day. I'm constantly grinning whenever we talk. I find myself daydreaming wondering what he's doing.
Today I met with an Environ Microbio professor who's trying to get wetland regulation legislation passed in VA. I'm going to help him look at the trad-offs associated with to see how he can get developers and consultants to support him :D I can't wait. Over winter break I imagine myself pouring over legal briefs with hot chocolate. D said he'd like to help. His major is Environmental Engineering after all. It works so well.
I have my last Comparative Politics class in a few minutes. After that I'm going to hit up the gym, then have a spaghetti dinner with Sam. Then tonight I need to write my proposal for conservation on foresty monoculture. We got to pick a topic that we would of liked to to research. Perhaps I'll change mine to wetlands. We'll see. Tommorow I'm going to a VA 21 meeting to try to rally support with the wetlands professor.
Life is franatic and fantastic.
I keep imagining the future and seeing an "us" in it. After graduation, maybe I'll work to get my Master's. He'll probably go to enigneering school. Maybe we'll join the Peace Corps. I know we would travel.
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I'm one of those girls. Imagining a "we." It's been almost a month. This is the best part. The time before all the little things annoy you, when everything they do is cute.
"Love's just a waste of our, energy, yeah
And this life's just a waste of our time
So why don't we get together
And we could waste, everything, tonight
And we could waste
And we could waste it all..."
I can't wait for him to be here. I'm stressed, sleep-deprived, and caffine isn't doing it for me anymore. It's raining today. I wish so badly he was here, we were both sitting in my bed eating Ramen noodles. I'd call in to work. Although my pink rainboots with the blue and yellow apples and eagles are quite fabulous.
Tonight is CJ's birthday. 80's night at the Wave. Should be fun.
Every minute I go to sleep and think X number of nights until I'm not sleeping alone...and remember how the last time I saw him we learned the perfect way we fit together when sleeping.
It's been awhile. Interestingly enough (okay not really interestingly) I have another test in Inorganic. I've received a C on the first one, a C+ on the second, and usually get B's on the homework. I need to get at least a C on this next test. This wouldn't be a problem except that He's coming to visit.
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Well, Him and I are dating now. For he last three weeks or so. It's been really great. I've been there to visit once. His school gets out earlier than mine for Thanksgiving so he's getting a ride home to get his car to drive here. We're having a Cowboys and Indians party that Saturday he's coming. I can't wait. The long distance thing works out nicely for me. We talk all the time but I'm free to hang out with my friends, do homework, and work here. He makes me so happy. I don't even care about the Chem test right now. It will work out.
I've become quite the optimist since we've started dating. I realize some might read that and think of it negatively since it's a change that's only came out of my relationship. However, this is my first healthy relationship probably ever. I wasn't really sure I could manage that.
I'm thinking about getting my Masters in Natural Resouce Management through VA tech's satellite campus in Northern VA. Or my Masters in Environ Policy through American Univ in DC. American would be ideal.
In conclusion, life is moving fast. I'm franatic. But I'm also happy. I'm always franatic, but not always happy.
Tommorow I'm going to visit M & D. I'm so excited :D
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I had an Inorganic Chem test today. I totally bombed it. I've been doing Chemistry homework for the last three nights until the wee hours of the morning with this guy in my class. He's pretty smart a bit eccentric but good at Chemistry. After my exam I had lunch with some Scotland people.
Sam and I drove home after that. I got a reckless speeding ticket on my way home. I was doing 90 in a 65. What do you do when you get your first ticket? Your first reckless ticket? I've been told take a driver improvement class before going to court and they'll lower it, talk to a lawyer first, just go to court. My court date is Dec 21. I'll worry about it later...
Tommorow. I'm going to see Him. I wonder what's going to happen. We talk all the time online and the occasional phone call. I'm so nervous and excited...I'd forgotten what butterflies felt like..
I'm exhausted. My roommates were awake all night working on projects and as a result of our paper-thin walls, I was also awake all night. I don't have class until 4 P.M. today but I need to go make an appointment with my advisor and do some study abroad research. So I'm drinking some cofffee hoping to wake myself up. On the plus side, Jack Johnson "breakdown" just came on my iTunes shuffle.
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One of my good friends here at school, Christina is trying to convince me not to study abroad next year. She's like, live with me don't do it. If you go and come back you'll have to live on campus. I don't appreciate that. Having to live on-campus is going to be weird, I haven't done that since I was a Freshman. It will be worth it.
My mom just called me bitching about her job. She always does that. It's frustrating, I don't want to hear it.
OH we found our snake. We had a corn snake missing in our apartment for about two and half weeks. I found her by the washing machine last night.
I must go write this paper then get going...
Our party was good. I didn't get throughly trashed like I did at Pirates V. Ninjas. I'll chalk that to the fact I was drinking beer and not deadly jungle juice. I drank a lot though. I did get somewhat beligerent, I was throwing glass bottles outside just for the Hell of it. Tom kept giving me beers and telling me if I drank them I could throw them. I did a keg stand or two.
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I drunk-dialed D a few times as well. He was drinking too. The first time I was in my room calling him and then Rachel and Sam followed me in, so I hid in my bathroom. Then they came in and I jumped in the shower. Haha...ridiculous. D kept stealing beer from his neighbor's party and drinking it at his house. At 3 A.M. after the party Sam, CJ, Sam's boyfriend, John, Spencer, and I went on a journey. I had to lay in the back of John's car across three people. I sent D a text message saying "I'm a dead body" or something drunkily similar to that. First we went to Waffle House...which was too crowded, then to IHOP which was too crowded, then to another Waffle House. I ate and tried to sleep on the table. Sam told me she thinks John likes me. I hope not, I really like him as a friend and don't want our relationship to change.
D texted me and said "I hope I didn't say anything too incriminating last night." I don't think he did...I most likely wouldn't remember.
It's a very different experience for me. But I have to say it feels damn good to know/think that someone, although "out of sight" is thinking about you. I actually liked staying in on Friday talking to him online. I mean the whole point in going out is to meet people and hook up, but if you've already found that person and you can't physically be with them, then talking to them is the next best thing.
I hope this lasts.
For once in my life, things actually seem to be working. D and I talk everyday. Usually online, but that's fine with me. He's so witty and funny.
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Although, a boy from my past BP admitted he "was still in love with me" a few days ago. It was so strange...it was also online and in the midst of a bullshit conversation. It was so uncomfortable and then he alluded that we weren't going to talk anymore since I wasn't returning his affections. I tried to make it humorous and told him my neighbor had a crush on him. He said it wouldn't be fair since he was still in love with me...
Then my neighbors had a kegger last night. I wasn't really interested in going, I had had work earlier and had come home to do online posts that took awhile. I talked to D online, went with Bridget to her girlfriend's to get muffins. Sam and I tried to go to a costume shop but it was closed. Sam and I rented some movies, got milkshakes, and candy. While we were watching the movies I was talking to D online. I wondered to Sam if this was how my Friday nights were going to be from now. But... I didn't mind. I'd much rather stay home and talk to him then go out drinking talking to sketchy guys.
BP called me drunkily and said he was at my door. I knew he would be at the neighbor's kegger. Sam and I went downstairs. Christopher and Kate were also there. Everyone was drunk. Christopher was as usual, beligerent. It was sort of weird and annoying. We sat on the porch, singing songs that the neighbors were playing. The neighbor that had a crush on BP came over. He was more interested in talking on his phone. I was most interested in how my breathe was coming out smoky and white since it's starting to get cold.
I'm very happy about D. I'm trying to figure out when I can go visit again. I'd like to find someone else to ride with me. My ex-Matt from freshman year actaully lives by where D goes to school, so he said he might go with me sometime. We have about 5 weeks until Thanksgiving break, I'd like to go once. I feel optimistic for once in my life. I like him. He likes me. We'll make it work. There's people I work with, a guy whose girlfriend goes to school in Canada, a girl whose boyfriend is from FL and in the Navy and stationed in Africa.
And maybe I am a long distance kind of girl. I like to be loner here at school, hang out with Sam and occasionally get black out drunk. Distance doesn't allow for co-dependence.
I'm willing to make it work.
We're having a kegger tonight. I don't know if I ever wrote about it, but Rachel had this friend who had a girlfriend but was into me and wanted to break up with her. Well, I had told her to tell him he was a flake and I wasn't interested. He got really offended, like flake was a terrible thing to call someone. They finally broke up. The ex-girlfriend is suppose to come to my party. He's not coming out of fear "people will be talking" about him. My friends could care less. Anyway, if they both come it could be dramatic. I will retreat to my room and drunk-dial D.
I should go wake up Sam and obtain a keg...